Cut and run
LOST & FOUND DEP'T.
Recently Missing in America
Sixteen chainsaws (from an auto-supply store in Urbana, Illinois, after a burglary)
A shipment of 18,500 bobblehead figurines of Pittsburgh Penguins hockey Hall of Famer Jaromir Jagr (from a warehouse in Carson, California, where they were in transit from being manufactured in China to a giveaway at a Penguins game)
Several dirtbikes (from a Yamaha dealership in Manhattan, Kansas, after a break-in by people driving a 15-foot U-Haul)
Two teacup Yorkshire terrier puppies (from a pet store in Thornton, Colorado, which had just recovered a previously stolen golden retriever puppy)
Two Dodge Charger Scat Pack muscle cars (from a dealer showroom outside Adrian, Michigan)
A dog (from the wreckage of a stolen tree-trimming truck in Brighton Township, Michigan, after allegedly being stolen from its owner at gunpoint and brought along on the truck theft and a reckless-driving spree)
Eighty bronze grave markers (from military graves in Fort Calhoun Cemetery in Fort Calhoun, Nebraska)
Recently Found in America
Millions of pyrosomes, gelatinous sea creatures "considered 'trophic dead ends' since they have low energy content and most of them end up as detritus" (on the beaches off the Northern California Current, as the Pacific Ocean gets warmer)
A 19th century map of Okinawa, six portrait paintings, and 15 other apparently looted Japanese artifacts (among the personal belongings of a World War II veteran in an attic in Massachusetts, after his death, though he had "never served in the Pacific Theater")
A deposit of natural gas containing 12 percent helium (2,200 feet below the Iron Range outside Babbitt, Minnesota)
Liver fluke (Heterobilharzia americana) parasites, which can be lethal to dogs (in two species of snail in the Colorado River in Blythe, California, where swimming dogs had gotten sick)
Packages adding up to 3,671 pounds of suspected methamphetamine (in a tractor-trailer shipment of peppers and tomatillos at the Otay Mesa Cargo Facility in San Diego, California)
Ascochyta blight fungus (in garbanzo bean fields in the area of Five Points and Lemoore, California)
A 23-foot portable sawmill (in Columbia Township, Michigan, after being reported stolen from Waverly Township, Michigan)
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, March 17, 2024
★★★ The sky looked like a mattress protector at first. Then the shadows of branches appeared on the townhouses, disappeared, and returned again. By late morning there were only shreds of cloud on open blue. Warm sun and chilly breeze teetered back and forth. Floating specks swirled against the cornices and above, apparently from the little cherry tree already shedding petals while the other cherry trees on the block were still furled in bud. The sky had changed again; bright little cumulus shone white below furrows of cirrus. A dog with big puppy feet and flopping ears chased a gourd-shaped toy around the playground. By nighttime, the air had a full cold-season bite to it.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
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ADVICE DEP’T.
Ask The Sophist
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Please send your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches from New Presentation of Cooking with Timed Recipes, by Auguste Gay with the collaboration of Anne Page. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
CARROTS AND SWISS CHEESE SANDWICH
For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered bread
1 boiled carrot, large
2 tablespoons Swiss cheese, grated
Pass carrot through meat grinder. Mix well with the grated cheese, and season to taste. Spread on both slices of bread, put together and press lightly.
CELERY AND FIG SANDWICH
For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered bread
4 dried figs
celery
1 tablespoon mayonnaise dressing
Pass through meat grinder the figs with enough celery (cleaned) to make a stiff paste. Add the mayonnaise sauce. Spread on both slices of bread, put together and press lightly.
CELERY, CARROT, AND CHICKEN SANDWICH
For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered bread
1 tablespoon cooked carrots, chopped
1 tablespoon celery leaves, washed, chopped
2 slices boiled or roasted cold chicken
1 teaspoon mayonnaise sauce
Mix the celery and carrots with the mayonnaise. Spread on both slices of bread. On one slice place the slices of chicken. Cover with the other slice.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
The second printing of 19 FOLK TALES is now available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the strengthening sunshine with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the damp ground seeps through your blanket.
HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.
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