MR WRONG: Tunnel vision
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Putting the "End" in "Endoscope"
This week’s installment of the Mr. Wrong column is going to deal with the workings of the Human Body, mine, in particular, and a Diagnostic Medical Procedure, in, I think, enough detail to make some of the Gentle Readers want to vomit, so, alright, You Have Been Warned!
THE EDITOR OF Indignity has had a host of health issues, and I don’t want anybody to think I am trying to jump on the Medical bandwagon or ambulance, if you will, with this week’s column, the topic of which is my recent regularly scheduled colonoscopy, scheduled five years ago, way in advance of the Editor of Indignity’s recent and serious medical misfortunes. It’s not a contest, but if it was, the winner is the Editor of Indignity, for a really bad run of health, which, of course, I hope changes for the better and that he doesn’t have to do any hard Physical Therapy or Exercise, which I know personally that he detests, other than the non-exercise-exercise of walking miles and miles to get places in New York City, plus the subway, which is a whole other kind of Exertion, but anyway, no offense, enough about him, here we go, if you’re still with me, this is my space!
Speaking of Space, I am sure most of you understand what a Colonoscopy is, seeing as it has COLON right there next to OSCOPY, they dope you up and stick a camera up your ass, the opening, the anus, butthole, etc., and then they dive waaaay in there, possibly, Where No One Has Gone Before (with a camera, anyway, and not for funsies), to chart and diagnose your Inner Space, looking for Bad Things such as Polyps, which can become Cancer. Medical Science! If they find a Polyp, they have some sorta snippy-thing to remove the Polyp, or in my case, Polyps. They got the fuckers!
There was a series of humorous Public Service spots on TV like 20-plus years ago, for Polyps Awareness, and they were kinda dark! A guy dressed up like a sports mascot, except for Polyps, he’s a plump, sassy, unrepentant Polyp, and the ads were supposed to be funny, but now they kinda don’t hold up for me. I don’t want to divert and get into a whole thing here, but one of the commercials is like an episode of COPS (where the Police are always right, of course), and the stuff that’s being said to the Polyp, well, they interrogate the Polyp and it looks like a Stop & Frisk from the “Giuliani Time” era, totally a Bad interaction with the police.
Since colon cancer runs in my family, I have been getting ’scoped at five-year intervals for a few times now, and five years is not long enough in between participating in this procedure, because of the unpleasant Preparation. You gotta clean house, Everything Must Go, so the doctor can slide the camera in there and get a good Medical look at the twists and turns of your shiny-clean Inner Tube.
First, you have to starve, no solid food for the whole day before the procedure, just, like, you can have boullion and certain colors of Jell-O (no red, no purple) for “food,” and you can have coffee and tea with no creamers in it, and you can drink Gatorade if it’s not red or purple. My tip is drink as much liquid as possible, don’t even bother pretending to have solid food in the form of Jell-O, just fill up with lotsa liquid to keep the empty-hungry stomach-feeling at bay.
Then in the evening, you get into The Purge. My deal this time (they’ve all been a little different) was to open up with eating four times the normal amount of a pill laxative in one dose, and then for dessert, you glub-choke down a gallon of liquid, 64 ounces, for reals, a Gallon, into which you have dissolved a fourteen-day supply of powdered laxative, blargh! Seriously, FOURTEEN DAYS worth of powerfully poop-inducing doses!
They give you instructions all about how you should mix the stuff, etc., but nobody—I mean, the Doctor usually isn’t your point of contact for the preliminaries, so you don’t hear anything from the Doctor, but in my experience, none of the Medical Staff—has basically said to me, “Hey, after you take the pills and drink the drink, DON’T MAKE ANY PLANS,” OK? I guess it’s Implied, but seriously, for several and possibly many hours, you will not be in Control.
The pills kick in first, and then you are a bottomless vessel, pouring the Gatorade, or if you prefer, Crystal Light, through your chunnel, and you visit the Throne Room again and again and at points you just stay there and read a whole The New Yorker article, one of the big ones, where you start looking for the black dot at the end. Also, I dunno if you personally usually look, you know, in the bowl? After? But for this, you gotta do that, you have to Inspect the Product, so you can tell yourself you are making progress and avoid despair.
Again, this is not my first Super Bowl, but it woulda been nice for someone to say, “Be Advised, at some point you will be empty of solid matter and you will experience spasmodic torrents of liquid flowing from your fundament.” A couple-few hours into my Evening of Preparation, the Orange Gatorade was just ending up in the bowl looking like, pale-Orange, and I was kinda tired, but I was done with my 64 ounces, and then I had two glasses of plain water for a chaser and I went to bed, and then I got up in the middle of the night and then I was really done!
Until I got up to go to the clinic for my procedure, and then after that I was really done again, until I got to the clinic, and then they said, would you care to use the bathroom, and I did, and then I was done, because they put me on a gurney with a no-size-fits-any no-back gown, and I got some sorta Relaxo stuff in advance of my Sedation, and then they put me on my side and I got a blast of Propofol, which I learned from the Sedationist, or whatever they are called, is not an Opioid, it is a Hypnotic, it puts you to sleep in three seconds: three, two, GOODNIGHT.
Here’s a photo of me getting my procedure done:
Then you wake up. In my case, I was awakened by a magnificent Flatulation, by me, thunderous. They fill you up with air so they can fit the camera in and see your not-Sugar Walls! You get blowed up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade balloon, and then you gotta Deflate, and you don’t care how many people are in the recovery room listening to you blast away, and they don’t care because they are either also being Flatulent, or they work there and they are Professionals, because they tell you to Break Like the Wind, or else you can’t go home. You gotta deflate, don’t be shy.
They get in there, and they do get photos, so you can see the Polyp and see important inside parts. Here’s a picture of the Polyps:
The alternative to the discomfort and perceived fart-shame is Cancer, and quite possibly Death, which could be delayed until something else gets you, like a bus or being a hundred or something, I mean, yeah, we’re all headed the same way eventually, but as a Public Service, the Mr. Wrong column urges you to enjoy as much Life as possible, and get your blowhole checked when a Doctor says “Hey, you should probably get your blowhole checked,” which of course if that’s what your Doctor says, call me and I’ll connect you with my Colon Guy.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, January 17, 2024
★★★ The poorly latched top sash of the center bay window had come loose in the cold, dry air and slipped down in the night, so a frigid draft lurked behind the shutters. The effort to bang the window back into place knocked sheets of ice loose from somewhere on the face of the building. The same deep cold held the snow firmly in place along the branches of the honeylocust tree. Eventually, sun joined the snow in brightening every turn and forking; the sky was pure, deep blue, setting off an afternoon half-moon. It was gorgeous to look at from indoors, but errands could wait till tomorrow.
EASY LISTENING DEP’T.
BLUESKY DEPARTMENT
READERS OF INDIGNITY who have previously benefited from the Bluesky-code generosity of other readers of Indignity are now daily paying it forward and providing us with even more codes for the still-beta social network. If you haven’t already gotten a code from us, we have lots of codes. Email indignity@indignity.net and we will award Bluesky codes to those who respond, one per reader, first email, first served.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches from Aunt Sammy's Radio Recipes, developed by the Bureau of Home Economics, U.S. Department of Agriculture. Published in 1927, these recipes are now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
PICNIC SANDWICHES
Cottage cheese makes a delicious sandwich filling for the picnic season. For sandwiches, moisten the cheese with sweet cream, and flavor with a little chopped parsley, chopped or sliced olives, sliced celery, pimentos, horseradish, Spanish onion, pickles, or nuts. Some persons like the flavor of caraway seeds in cottage cheese. This spread is equally good on white bread, rye bread, nut bread, and brown bread. Other sandwich combinations suitable for picnics are as follows:
Cucumbers, sliced very thin, and spread with a little mayonnaise dressing. These are especially good on brown bread.
Boiled ham with chopped sweet pickles and salad dressing.
Cream cheese, ripe olives, and nuts.
Chopped raisins, with nuts and lemon juice to season.
Hard-cooked eggs, chopped and mixed with mayonnaise and minced bacon.
Cottage cheese and bacon.
Butter mixed with strained honey.
Grated American cheese, mixed with salad dressing and chopped celery or pickles.
Smoked fish, carefully picked over to see that no bones are left in.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
The second printing of 19 FOLK TALES is now available for belated Holiday gift-giving and personal perusal! Huddle up against the cold with a cozy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read within the snowy part of a wintry-mix storm.
HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.
FLAMING HYDRA will launch in January of 2024. The FLAMING HYDRA Holiday Preview Spectacular, a rich sampling of the writing and art you’ll enjoy as a subscriber to the forthcoming daily newsletter, is available now for your inspection. FLAMING HYDRA is the work of 60 world-class talents, but that’s just one reason to subscribe. FLAMING HYDRA is a 100% cooperatively owned, ad-free publication with no owners and no investors; just a bunch of writers and artists working together and splitting the proceeds equally.
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