MR WRONG: The gutters run green
COLUMN DEP'T.
MR WRONG: Make Like a Snake and Flee St. Patrick's
THIS WEEKEND IS St. Patrick’s Day, all weekend. It’s not gonna be the Day, from St. Patrick’s Day, singular, it’s gonna be all goddamn weekend, don’t kid yourself. It’s on a Sunday, March 17, so people who want to drink Green Beer at an Irish pub and have a Car Bomb and talk about The Troubles and then get punched in the face by the Irish bartender at the Irish pub for ordering a Car Bomb and talking about The Troubles are gonna be like “St. Patrick’s Day is on Sunday? Oh no, I cannot participate in the manner to which I am accustomed on a St. Patrick’s Day on a Sunday, I have to work the next day!”
So they will Observe St. Patrick’s Day on Friday, March 15, and probably Saturday, March 16, and then probably they will forget and go big at Brunch on Sunday, St. Patrick’s Actual, and end up calling in sick to work Monday with a case of the Euphemism For Having A Hangover Because You Drank Too Many St. Patrick’s, Irish Exclamation! Also some of them got Blarney Stoned, hiyo. And also mashed in the gob by an Irish Bartender.
This is my favorite song to select from an Internet Jukebox on St. Patrick’s Day:
What is St. Patrick’s day, right? Snakes? Like, St. Patrick drove the snakes off of Ireland or something? I have Irish people in my family, so I am related to them, but I don’t give a flying sham-wow about St. Patrick’s Day, you know? It’s fucking Amateur Nite, collect the whole set: St. Patrick, Cinco de Mayo, Adult Halloween, and New Year’s fuckin’ Eve, jeez, protect yourself.
St. Patrick’s Day has “saint” in the title, so I guess it is a Holy Day of Obligation for Roman Catholics, of which I am one, the normal kind, the ones who don’t go to Church and forgot all the Holy Days of Obligation and always tell you they are a Former Catholic, lapsed, even. Everybody likes to talk about The Catholic!
In America, we have these vestiges of certain Holidays from cultures that have become so assimilated that nobody knows they came from a Culture. Irish is a good example. My mom used to say “Everybody’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day,” because she wasn’t Irish, and I think she meant “Lotsa people like to get shitfaced on St. Patrick’s Day under the auspices of celebrating Irish culture.”
I gotta admit I enjoy whiskey and Guinness beer. The beer is great because it looks powerful, deep brown and foamy on top, but it’s kinda low alcohol, 4.2 percent, which is pretty much a “session beer,” I think it can be called. A pro like me can drink several Guinnesses in a row and still walk a straight line to their car. Just kidding, I used to say if I was too drunk to walk then I had to drive, but I am civilized these days, and I have never been arrested by The Law for Drinking While Intoxicated in my car while Driving, and I ain’t about to start getting caught now.
The problem with the whole Irish Drinking setup in the United States of Dipshit Holidays is it’s Guinness and then “Hey, let’s have a whiskey,” and that’s where the Shamrocks meet the Shenanigans, see? There’s also the deal about how there’s Whiskey preferred by Catholics and Whiskey preferred by Protestants, and that’s a whole thing, and I am not getting into that because see above, I am not tryna get my face clobbered into Corned Beef and Cabbage, OK?
I don’t wanna be a Party O’Pooper, though, if you like to get together on St. Patrick’s Day and have a good time, this is still America, which is supposedly still a Democracy, so get on with it, just be careful out there amongst The English, OK?
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, March 13, 2024
★★★★ Birds perched on high points in the first light: what looked like a robin, though its breast didn't show in the dimness, bobbed its tail and sang from the decorative point at the top of a townhouse facade; a crow, or from the size of the bill maybe even a raven, perched straight upright at the pinnacle of a more distant water tower. A cherry tree across the avenue, small and unnoticeable before, was suddenly in pink bloom. A man walked by in bright yellow shorts, with tulips peeping out of a paper grocery sack. Wispy clouds spread thinly over the afternoon sky, like scant butter on toast. They did just enough to attenuate the light to something slightly less than it had been the day before. Gulls flew crying overhead, and crows called to each other across the street from the building tops. When it was time to close the shutters, a crescent moon was shining brilliant white—so bright the dark part of it had visible shape—and Jupiter shone beside it.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
ADVICE DEP’T.
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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches from New Presentation of Cooking with Timed Recipes, by Auguste Gay with the collaboration of Anne Page. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
BAKED BEANS SANDWICH
For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered bread
3 tablespoons of baked beans, passed through meat grinder
1 tablespoon chili sauce
Mix the baked beans with the chili sauce. Spread on both slices of bread, put together, and press lightly.
BANANA AND ORANGE MARMALADE SANDWICH
For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered bread
1 banana
2 tablespoons orange marmalade
Chop banana and mix with orange marmalade in a bowl. Spread on both slices of bread, put together and press lightly.
BANANA, LETTUCE, AND ANCHOVY SANDWICH
For each sandwich
2 slices of buttered bread
1 banana
1 lettuce leaf
1/2 teaspoon anchovy paste
Slice the banana thin and shred the lettuce leaf. Spread the anchovy paste on each slice of bread. Place the banana slices on one slice of bread; on the other slice of bread place the shredded lettuce. Put slices together and press lightly to make them stick.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
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