MR. WRONG: Hold the Onions
By Joe MacLeod, presented by HMM WEEKLY
EVERY TIME I chop onions (I am not good at it) I remember that movie about Julia Child where she enrolled in the famous Cordon Bleu, and there was a lab where the baby Bleus hadda learn how to chop the onions, because the onion is a building block of gastronomy or something. Your whole culinary kung fu starts with perfectly diced onions. It was a roomful of guys and her (Meryl Streep) just choppin’ onions, like, there is a complete science to it, a whole method to cut the fucking onions into teensy little pieces and she learned, she did it, she eventually got so good at it that she chopped up all the goddamn onions into a pile better than all those other wannabe chefs, and then she was like, “Well now I’m good at chopping onions,” because she was nice, and like, if she was some bonehead like the famous chef Bobby Flay, she woulda got up on the onion-chopping table and been all I CHOPPED THE ONIONS BETTER THAN YOU MUTTS, because Bobby Flay did that once on Iron Chef, I saw it, he got up on top of a cutting board and his chef opponent Morimoto was pissed because Bobby Flay was disrespecting the profession. Bobby Flay is all OUUUURRRGH, I AM CHEF. What a jerkhole.
Once when I was at the racetrack in Saratoga, NY, somebody hired an airplane to drag a CHEATER sign around in the air, and it was totally because Bobby Flay was there. I can’t prove it, but I bet.
I went to one of his hamburger restaurants once, Bobby Flay, did you know he has a buncha hamburger restaurants? Yeah, I went to one of his hamburger restaurants at a casino connected to a mall I go to, because this is America.
The gimmick item at the Bobby Flay hamburger restaurant is that on any of the hamburgers on the bill of fare you can get potato chips as a topping on your hamburger sandwich, free of charge, and it becomes a Crunchburger®.
For upwards of $7.95, you can get a hamburger or even a cheeseburger, with potato chips on it. I was doing this when I was seven years old, putting stupid stuff on a cheeseburger, for this I’m paying upwards of seven dollars and ninety-five cents of money? I put Fritos on a cheeseburger once, is that a thing? Anyway, the Bobby Flay one, it’s an OK burger, I mean, again, this is America, how can you fuck up a cheeseburger? It’s like, one of the few things We The People have left of our Planetary Rep, the Cheeseburger, served at a casino connected to a mall, where children go, and the parents go to the casino and eat a cheeseburger with a potato chip on it. Jesus Fucking Christ.
Speaking of, I can’t believe the Jeep company hadda put Bruce Springsteen’s gig in car sales on pause. He got busted for being drunk on a motorcycle, and so all that dough the Jeepsters dropped on his Super Bowl commercial got pissed away with Mr. The Boss’s tequila shots, yikes. A lot of people heard about it and they were all “Hey he only blew a 0.02, fucking facist pigs” or whatever, like everybody’s a fucking Blood Alcohol Content defense lawyer expert on Driving While Intoxicated.
I also kinda can’t believe Rock Star Bruce Springsteen made a car commercial, but you never know with these Celebrities, he might be broke somehow, or he might want to give the cash to charity, or he might have Big Plans, so he’s doing the commercial sort of as a commercial for Bruce Springsteen, to get mixed into the algorithm more, which he totally did by getting busted for the DWI, right? It’s a win-win!
That commercial was some weird shit though, did you see it? I couldn’t tell if they were selling Jeeps or Bruce Springsteen or crosses, there were all these crosses and a church, and an American flag, I think. I always wanna call ‘em crucifixes, even when they are simply crosses, because a cross is a powerful symbol, and religious, but it’s only a crucifix if somebody is affixed to it, that’s a handy mnemonic device for you. Right now Bruce Springsteen is probably feeling slightly crucifixed, eh? Brucified! I kinda feel bad for Bruce Springsteen. Do you think he got loaded on his motorcycle because he felt bad about making a car commercial?
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