COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Never Mind the Body
I GOT THE Misery in my back, and I’m gonna be gettin’ proactive about it. I could stand to lose a few pounds, and that’s not fat-shaming or self-shaming or whatever, it’s Medical Doctor (M.D.) shaming, as in, the doctor told me if I lost a few, then the nerves or compacted gelatinous spinal disks or whatever disgusting biological stuff my back is made out of might not hurt so bad, so I’m gonna make a concerted effort to lose some weight, and to that end, I will be embarking upon a Diet. I know, diets are bad, you can’t be on a diet forever, when you stop your diet, you will go back to your not-diet weight, diet, diet, diet, but look, personally, the only way I am gonna lose any lbs. is if I keep track of the stuff (Pizza) I cram into my food-hole, and avoid most of the stuff (Pizza) that makes my body happy, so fucking happy-making Pizza is, that when I eat it, my body goes and stores away a buncha fat in itself (me) which then fucks with my back.
There is supposedly some sort of Mind-Body Connection, and I subscribe to this theory or Belief or whatever it is; I’m very connected to my Mind, which I consider to be Me, and then also to my goddamn stupid fucking dumbass Body, which is a traitor, and packs on End Times excess avoirdupois to keep me alive longer than everyone else on the plane after the plane crash so that I can outlast them all and eat them to stay alive when I finally exhaust my supply of life-fat. My Body thinks it’s doing me a goddamn favor storing all this fat, around my midsection, where it screws up my nerve channels or tubes and then makes my back muscles lock up and spasm out.
One doctor got me these pills called cyclobenzaprine, and I took one, and for the next two days I felt like I was gonna fall asleep, that delicious, smooth and creamy sleep-feeling as you begin to slip into the Arms of Morpheus, down into the velvety-black Realm of Slumberland, and you’re floating—not falling—down, down, down, and everything is soft and—BAM! You’re back awake and you snap your head up and everything is very unsatisfying and your entire body is relaxed, so relaxed there’s probably no way you’re gonna get up from the couch where you almost fell asleep during a quiet part of Gangs of London, which is one of the dumbest choices of teevee shows to watch when you are winding down for the evening, seriously, there is a per-episode [SPOILER ALERT] guarantee of at least five minutes of insane and disturbing and grisly and gloopy and splattery Ultra-Violence in the middle of all the Plot.
Anyway, the relaxo-pills were unpleasant. There was no High on Drugs feeling from taking them, just chronic uncomfortableness and uselessness, like, forget about driving a car or otherwise Operating Heavy machinery, or really even having any productive Thoughts coming out of your ultra-relaxed and more-useless-than-normal Brain. Then I tried this rub-on balm made outta cannabis plants, and that stuff works immediately, but just to cut the pain. My back remains spasmed-out, only I can’t feel it, and so I’m walking around like I’m looking for my car keys or something I dropped, and I can’t straighten up for like ten minutes unless I hold onto a table or something so I end up looking like I’m loaded on a buncha beers I can’t drink because I’m on a goddamn diet to make my back better!
Also I am going to Exercise a bunch, like in addition to my normal morning constitutional-type walk in the morning, I am gonna go to some Yoga events, with my wife, who goes to Yoga all the time. I have attended Yoga before. I was going to what they used to call Bikram Yoga, because somehow the dude got a copyright on Yoga, but then it turned out he was a Bad Person and so now I don’t know what they call it, the Yoga where they crank up the temperature in the room and you’re sweating before you even do anything remotely Yogic. I hurt my back real bad once in Yoga, but that was because I listened to the stupid instructor who told me to reach more in that one where you are on one leg and the other leg is, you are trying to stick the other leg out in front of you, and you’re supposed to eventually be able to reach and straighten the leg completely straight, but maybe you’re not, which is what I was thinking until I fucked up and reacted to the goddamn instructor and then—BLORP! Out went my back and I hit the deck in the Fetal Position, which might also be a Yoga, but in that instance it was an expression of pure Pain.
Also, I am gonna avoid beer for awhile, and that makes me angry, because I have already almost cracked a beer three times since I started my diet yesterday, and it’s just annoying to be reminded by my self-reward system when it goes “Hey, what’re we doin’, grillin’ chicken? Cool, let’s crack a beer to sip on while we are doing our important work at the grill out here on the deck in the setting Sun on this glorious day!” So all my fun beer-cracking triggers will irritate me for the next six weeks, and the end of my diet, because there’s no way I’m not gonna eat my ass’s face off for Thanksgiving, OK? And a big pepperoni Pizza on Thanksfriday. Urp!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from Practical Home Economics: 1245 Scientific Recipes, by Alice M. Donnelly A. B., University of Michigan, and Helen Cramp Ph. B., University of Chicago, published in 1919. This book is in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
FRUIT SANDWICHES
Soak any kind or several kinds of dried fruit in water for two hours; drain and dry thoroughly; moisten with orange or lemon or a little grape juice, and spread on thin slices of buttered bread.
NUT SANDWICHES
Moisten chopped nuts of any kind with cream or Mayonnaise dressing; add a little salt and spread on slices of brown bread.
NUT AND RAISIN SANDWICHES
Take equal quantities of nuts and raisins; moisten with cream or grape juice and spread on thin slices of bread.
OLIVE SANDWICHES
Take either ripe or green olives; remove the seeds; mince and mix thoroughly with Mayonnaise dressing. Spread between slices of whole-wheat or graham bread.
LETTUCE AND CREAM-CHEESE SANDWICHES
Mix equal quantities of chopped lettuce and cream cheese; add salt and spread on thin slices of buttered bread.
LETTUCE AND WALNUT SANDWICHES
Mix chopped walnuts with Mayonnaise dressing and spread on thin slices of bread; lay a leaf of lettuce over each; then another slice of thin, unbuttered bread.
LETTUCE SANDWICHES
Pull the lettuce into small bits; mix thoroughly with Mayonnaise dressing and spread between layers of unbuttered bread. Do not make until near serving time or the lettuce will lose its crispness.
EGG SANDWICHES
Mix hard-boiled egg, finely chopped, with Mayonnaise dressing and spread on slices of buttered bread, preferably graham. Chopped olives may be added to the egg mixture if desired.
SURPRISE SANDWICHES
Take orange marmalade, pecan nuts and cream cheese in equal quantities and after mixing thoroughly spread on thin slices of buttered bread.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
19 FOLKTALES collects a series of timeless tales of canny animals, foolish people, monsters, magic, ambition, adventure, glory, failure, inexorable death, and ripe fruits and vegetables. Written by Tom Scocca and richly illustrated by Jim Cooke, these fables stand at the crossroads of wisdom and absurdity.
HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Your $20 plus shipping and tax helps fund The Brick House collective, a Publishing Concern featuring a globally diverse set of publishers doing their own thing, with interesting items and publications available for purchase at SHOPULA.
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