MR WRONG: Dropping the ball
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: This New Year Got Old Fast
IT IS A New Year! I hope you have a shiny-happy year, and not just because you are reading the Mr. Wrong column, although if you are, then I am definitely wishing you a little cherry on top, and if you are Paid Supporter of Indignity, a whole scoop of ice cream and two cherries! OK? Happy New Year! 2024!
There are people in the World I don’t like, because I think they are Bad People, and I don’t want them to have a Happy New Year, and it’s not nice, to be negative like that, but I don’t even want them to have any kind of Year at all, you know? Not nice! I am sorry for my naughties, but it’s how I feel, I’m working on it, and again, really kinda not nice, but fuck ‘em! No Happy New Year! Go away! You are bad.
OK, now, I am taking a Deep Cleansing Breath. Stop worrying about the Bad People. It’s a whole New Year. I am gonna focus on this entire Year and what it has meant to me. What a year 2024 has already been, eh? Wow! So many things that I ate, and movies and other forms of entertainment I enjoyed, I should make a list!
Meanwhile, I’m not impressed with the Newness or any purported Happiness of this Year, and if I didn’t know better, I am starting to think maybe somehow I am one of the Bad People, you know? What happened to my Happy New Year? I’m not bad, I do not deserve this! I already said I’m working on it, I swear, not kidding, I don’t want to be Bad, I want to be Happy and New! Let’s go!
We’re all done with last year! We (the Royal Me) are not gonna keep talking about how there is some sorta difference between the Years of Our Lord 2023 and 2024 just because the calendar says it’s different! It’s not! Same thing! Existence! Time is a flat circle and stuff! Time keeps on slippin’-slippin’ into the Future! No more Year in Review! Over! Now! Forward!
Hey, remember when 2024 started? It seems like it was only yesterday, or the day before, if you are on the other side of the International Date Line, but we all know that doesn’t really exist. I mean, I don’t want to start any Conspiracy Theories, that’s what the Bad People do, right? Anyway though, look, I know people over there, and I talk to them every once in a while, I have done my own research, and so, how am I, today, right now, really supposed to be talking to somebody who is supposedly in Tomorrow? You would need some sort of International Date Line Time Machine! Science Fiction!
Really though, I’m telling you, 2024 is kicking my ass, I’m not gonna lie, look at everything that has happened. I’m hip-deep in all this 2024! Ever forward! Time is a Tunnel and we’re in it until we get to the tollbooth, and they raised all the rates because of Congestion Pricing!
Jesus F. Christ, what a year, 2024. This is not the Year I requested! Do you remember when this crap-ass year started? Where were you? Did you make any New Year's Resolutions? I think they are generally all under the category of like, “I resolve to be Perfect,” but I remember like it was yesterday, or maybe like it was four days ago, back at the beginning of 2024, the very beginning when I was full of hopeful anticipation for what the New Year held in store or on Amazon Prime for me, my New Year’s Resolution was that I was gonna get a Day Job, a fulltime job, as in sustained and Gainful Employment, and 2024 has given me zip! Zero! Less than! No callbacks! No job! Fuck this year! When is New Year's?
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of sandwiches from Reliable Recipes, by The Ladies' Aid Society of the Methodist Episcopal Church, Grundy Center, Iowa. Published in 1928, now certified Public Domain Mark 1.0 Universal, these recipes and more are available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
TUNA FISH.
Put one can tuna fish through grinder with one hard-boiled egg. Season with salt, pepper, and a bit of catsup. Spread on buttered bread.
—Mrs. J. C. Des Marias.
CUCUMBER.
1 cup diced cucumbers
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
1/4 cup chopped celery
2 tablespoons chopped pimentoes
1/8 teaspoon salt
Mix the ingredients and spread between buttered rounds of bread. Press firmly together. Serve at once.
CREAM CHEESE.
Spread buttered brown or graham bread with cream cheese which has been mixed with butter or cream and chopped olives, pimentoes, or nuts, and put a lettuce leaf that has been dipped in French dressing, between the slices.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
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