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MR WRONG: Carbon footprint
INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO. 178
MR WRONG: Getting Angry in the Crosswalk
I LIVE IN what the Real Estate freaks call a “Walkable Neighborhood,” and I try to walk a lot, because it is Healthful, and I could stand to lose a few pounds, because some (a lot) of my clothes (most of my clothes) are too tight. I swear it’s even my socks and shoes. Can you gain weight in your feet? I can’t afford a new wardrobe, not to mention a new wardrobe of shoes. And socks.
Anyway, walking is good! I have an app in my phone that keeps track of how many steps I walk, and that is Positive Reinforcement for me, to see that I walked a lot, and I make sure that I walk to do stuff I might otherwise drive to, the main thing being to go make groceries. I walk a coupla times a week to the supermarket near my house, and there’s one busy street to cross, and it can be a pain in the ass, because people in cars tend to view pedestrians as obstacles, as opposed to Citizens with Rights, such as the right of way, see? It can be very tough getting a break in the 10- to 15- to 20-miles-an-hour-over-the-speed-limit traffic stream.
I know somebody who works for the Highway Department, doing accident studies, many times involving pedestrians, and they told me the one thing you, as a walking pedestrian, need to always do when you are crossing the street is to make sure you’re in the crosswalk, because if you are out walking around minding your own business, and you cross in the middle of the block where there’s no crosswalk, and a person comes along driving a car and does not view and accept you as a Human Being who should be allowed to get across the street, and that motorist crashes into your body and breaks your bones and internal organs and knocks you down onto the street and causes you to lose blood and guts all over the street and injures you and quite possibly ends your life/murders you (50 percent chance at 42 mph), they will more than likely not get a ticket, not have to pay out much Insurance money, and definitely not get locked into a gaol for murder by car, because you were outside of the crosswalk, and therefore you caused your own murder.
The thing is, on the way to the grocery, or to the liquor store, or to a nice restaurant in my Walkable Neighborhood, I always cross that busy street at the crosswalk, and the crosswalk itself used to have a sign that stated that it’s THE LAW that motorists are supposed to YIELD to pedestrians who are in the crosswalk. The sign ain’t there anymore because a motorist knocked it down with their car.
You can tell which car is gonna slow down for the crosswalk with a person in it and which cars ain’t, and I will admit to getting into that crosswalk to test my theory. I am in the right, I am in the goddamn crosswalk, and the motorist should slow the fuck down, and just from the posture of the approaching car you can tell how it's going to go. I have been grazed by cars, honked at, sworn at, and middle-fingered at for being in the fucking crosswalk, the place where the law tells cars to yield to me. My mom used to tell me to drive defensively, drive like the other driver is gonna screw up, compensate to avoid a crash, and it doesn’t matter if you are in a situation and you’re right, make the adjustment to accommodate the wrongness, because you can be “dead right,” get it? And that’s in a car-to-car situation. Now think about how you’re out there in your shoes on the street with a grocery bag in your hand, eh? Dead right!
The only things that slow cars down, and not even always, are speedbumps, or speed cameras, or eventually some sorta robot-control of how fast a car can go on a city street. I am against Robot Cars for the most part, but I am totally for some sorta automated Control over the cars idiots get to drive. Crosswalks don’t slow cars down when the people driving the cars are fucking assholes, and that’s pretty much another 50 percent chance. Anyway, I will continue to walk, and I will try real hard not to yell at and otherwise confront dipshits driving cars who don’t even bother to slow down when I’m in the crosswalk, because that’s kinda like Road Rage, and that generally does not end well. I walk on!
Walking is also good because I’m not in my car driving around and making carbon or burning up any Carbon Credits or however it works. Speaking of Carbon Credits, have you seen these nutty carbon dioxide collectors, for leaching carbon dioxide outta the air, which is supposed to be good against the Global Warming?
I am certainly no Scientist, but I extra do not understand how sucking carbon dioxide molecules outta the air is a plus when the reason these companies that run the collectors are doing it is to Get Money from other companies that crap lotsa carbon dioxide into the air!
I mean, it’s like when the Catholic Church used to sell Indulgences to The Faithful, so they could get points toward going to Heaven, or more specifically, cash-in points for not going to the Bad Place. So, like, yeah, The Faithful (big bucks donors) could do whatever the fuck they wanted, as long as they tossed some serious loot into the Collection Plate, for a Get Out Of Gaol card.
Unfuckingbelievable, so seriously, Microsoft and Google and gigantor companies like that are pooping pantloads of carbons into the world, but if this carbon dioxide skimming company gets Paid for slurping some carbon, then Google is Redeemed and Absolved for its Temporal Sins against the Earth?!? I don’t understand, especially when I see stuff about how antique carbon dioxide is coming up out of the formerly frozen ground in Siberia or wherever, because it’s getting warmer because of the carbons and the fucking permanently-frosted Tundra or whatever Siberians call it, is thawing the fuck out, along with the Mastodons that some other fucking nutballs wanna clone and turn loose on the population. On me! I’m gonna end up getting trampled by a Mastodon because I’m out walking around, and not in a car shitting out carbons and buying coupons to turn in that make it look like I didn’t, and with a goddamn free-range uninsured cloned Mastodon it won’t matter if I’m in the fucking crosswalk!
P.S: Gentle Readers of Indignity (and possibly the Mr. Wrong column) have sent us Bluesky codes, for people who want to try the still-beta Bluesky social networks. If you haven’t already gotten a code from us, email firstname.lastname@example.org and we will award Bluesky codes to those who respond, one per reader, first email, first served. As always, thank you for reading this notice, and special thanks to Jacob W and to Jason Wojciechowski for their thoughtful contribution of the magic codes.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: email@example.com.
New York City, November 8, 2023
★★★★ The breeze coming in at dawn was cool and invigorating, nearly to the point of being resurrecting. The cat bounced around in a frenzy directed at nothing in particular. It was—could it be?—flannel-shirt time, for the day at least. A thin sheet of southern cloud made the sun and shadows watery-looking on the walk out to lunch. Before long, though, the sun recovered and the contrast on everything sharpened up. The tricky seams in the sidewak were obvious and avoidable.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from Light Entertaining: A Book of Dainty Recipes for Special Occasions, edited by Helena Judson, Published in 1910. This book is in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
COLD ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES
To each one-half pint of finely chopped cold roast beef add one teaspoonful of salt, one-half tablespoonful of tomato ketchup, one-half teaspoonful of Worcestershire sauce, and rub in one tablespoonful of melted butter. Spread on buttered bread and cut into fancy shapes. |
Spread thinly sliced bread with the caviare, mixed with finely chopped onion and seasoned with lemon juice.
Flake some cold boiled crab meat. Mix with French dressing or mayonnaise until a paste is formed.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to firstname.lastname@example.org.
ATTENTION, BOOK SHOPPERS! We are pleased to announce that we have SOLD OUT the first printing of 19 FOLKTALES. A second printing, which corrects the unorthodox (collectible!) spine alignment of the first edition, is underway, but new orders may be delayed even more than they are under our usual hand-fulfillment system. Some signed copies are available as premiums for Kickstarter supporters of the new FLAMING HYDRA publishing enterprise, which we encourage you to support.
Totally not sold-out: HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.
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