INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO. 84: Con-Grad-U-Ations on your new degree!
MR WRONG: Words of Wisdom From the College of Soft Knocks
IT’S MAY, WHICH means it’s Graduation time at many of the institutions of Higher Education, and once again, nobody has asked the Mr. Wrong Column to speak at anybody’s Graduation ceremony, so once again, I will offer my latest Address to the Graduate here in this space, and reiterate my offer to speak at your College or Trade School, for a modest honorarium.
I am a proud Graduate of not only College, but College Jr., aka Community College, experiences in Education which I will carry with me to the Grave. That’s not supposed to be negative, I’m just saying memorable, you know? For as long as my memory can remember things!
It was great, Community College, because I was rolling along in high school doing as little as possible, spending all my energy trying to figure out where the party was, and how to score a bottle of high-test Bacardi or a coupla sixers of Mickey’s Malt. Party time!
I had my school days wired, with a terminal case of what was called “Senior-itis.” The Eye-tis! I had double early dismissal, so after Gym, English, and Typing, I had lunch and a study hall, which I skipped, so I was outta there at 11 a.m. every day, to resume my compelling non-educational pursuits.
One day I had to stay late, like, noon, because I was supposed to go to the Guidance Counselor’s office. The thing I most remember about my Guidance Counselor is that he strongly resembled Curly from The Three Stooges, entertainment I consumed religiously every afternoon while I was not doing my homework and not studying for my SAT test, aka Scholastic Aptitude Test test. To be fair, I didn’t even know you could study for it, I thought it was like an IQ test, but then after I took the damn thing I read a blurb in the Daily News about how Brooke Shields studied for her SAT in order to get into College. What the fuck? I didn’t even know why I was taking an SAT, but also, you could study for ’em?
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