INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO. 37: My radio TV is all talk.
Mr. Wrong: Droning On
I SAW THE news today, oh boy, seriously, it was the same news as yesterday. Banks are going broke and a Russian Commie jet plane pilot was being mean to one of our (as in U.S.) drones. I watch all the teevee news shows and I even listen to them on the satellite radio, for real, they carry all the cable TV news channels on the radio so you can just listen, how annoying is that? Why do I do this?
I wanna be informed, that’s why! I want to be aware of Current Events! It’s important, I think? I dunno, do you pay attention to the News? Don’t you want to know about how the Russian airplane spewed jet fuel all over our poor drone that was just doing its job, droning along? What the hell is going on? Why are the Commies picking on our drone?
It’s not a quiz, but if you don’t know, that’s OK. I’m not sure it makes any difference, you know? In your personal life? If it did, you would probably be paying attention, and if you’re not, that’s your right as a U.S. American, to only pay attention to stuff that interests you, it’s in the thing that they wrote, about the Pursuit of Happiness for people who are all equal and G_d and stuff, and the King is bad, and have you seen these taxes?
The Russian airplane pilot was messing with our drone that was looking at the War, trying to help Ukraine, and since the Russians are trying to win, they fucked with the drone, and there are people on the TV saying stuff like this was Big Propaganda Win for Rus, standing up to our drone, see? Because the Russians are doing bad at their war, so they (Russia) are maybe putting up this jet pilot as like, Russian Tom Cruise Maverick Top Gun, does that make sense? I saw somebody blabbering on the TV about how the pilot who hurt our drone’s propeller was a crappy pilot and the Russians don’t train their pilots, etc., and then I was thinking about like, whose Propaganda am I listening to now? Also, though, maybe the pilot was drunk, eh? За здоровье! That’s my Theory, you can run with it! Drunk Pilot, kinda like that Denzel movie!
Look, I don’t like the War, it’s awful and depressing and it makes me sad and also mad at the guy who runs Russia, who is bad, Evil, even, for reals Evil, based on all the shit that goes on, and I’m always wondering why nobody’s taken a shot at him, aren’t there any Generals or whatever who are mad at him for Current Events? I guess Super Villains like him don’t take no shorts on Security, right? I mean, who’s the worst, most Evil, ever? We all know, and nobody ever managed to take him out until it all went sideways, not even Tom Cruise in that one movie he made, where he had an eye patch! I never saw that movie because the original Top Gun motion picture made me mad at Tom Cruise for doing bullcrap pretend military stuff, so I kinda avoid him in war movies, but he was good in that sciencer where he kept getting killed, that was a good “popcorn flick” if you will. SPOILER ALERT: I looked it up and he got killed 24 times, ouch. The new Top Gun movie was also crappy, crappier than the original, I would say, because at least the original had an Original Idea, but apparently the new Crap Gun saved Hollywood and stuff, blergh! If it’s gonna be more Top Gun bullshit, you can keep Hollywood, barf! I did enjoy Cocaine Bear, though, good times.
Meanwhile, my TV News people are pooping their TelePrompTers about this drone itself like it’s a person who got assaulted, jeez, it’s hardware, c’mon. Plus, they get these Experts and stuff to come on and talk about how none of our Secrets got found out, because We The People took some steps or measures or some sorta non-words for we exploded that fucker, but nobody’s really satisfying my interest in a downwardly-spiraling discussion about how if the pilot had crashed into that drone in a solid fashion, it mighta exploded the pilot’s plane, and then whose fault would that be, that a Russian plane got exploded by US WAR DRONE!?! What is Truth? Who cares!?! It’d be fucking game on, as in War Games, as in Global Thermonuclear War, as in a goddamn Artificial Intellect, fuckitty-fuck-fuck! Kaboom! So the TV news just gets all involved with the damage to the drone and it’s gettin real small, nobody’s talking about the Big Picture! It’s safer to just get all twisted about the loss of a piece of equipment.
Also, my news heads, they are going so over and over and overandover the bank thing. A bank failed, and then another bank failed, and then one in Switzerland got wobbly, I don’t even know if that one was a Bank-bank, because it was Switzerland? They’re a buncha crooks, right, the original Mercenaries, no sides, no Morality, just pay us and we’ll do whatever? I don’t know anything about the world of High Finance, all I know is it’s all a racket, and you just gotta keep the paper moving so nobody looks real close to see if any of it’s fake, right? I totally know if this is bad, then all the Bad People have already taken care of themselves, and the Stock Market is up, I just saw that on the news.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: firstname.lastname@example.org
New York City, March 15, 2023
★★★★ A bit of yellow light from the east got under the clouds and caught on one pane of a bay window, making it look as if it had been boarded up with plywood. A cardinal flew down over the roofline of the brownstones, a flash of red in the dull early morning. Before long the wind had shredded the cloud sheet into puffs and wisps of stretched gauze. Brilliant pieces of cloud streaked across the late morning sky with an airplane laying down an even more brilliant contrail above them. A hawk atop the apartment water tower in the next block abandoned its usual upright posture to perch tipped over like a weathervane, feathers ruffling in the wind. Sweetgum balls lay in piles on the sidewalk. The brightness pulled the eyes up and raised the spirits, even though the wind was biting. Banners hanging from a string crackled outside a restaurant. Thickly painted ductwork looked like a decoration, making its right-angled serpentine way up a building. Windchimes jangled violently; a blown leaf flared in the sun high above Central Park West. The clarity seemed to amplify both sound and light; the drone of a helicopter was everywhere at once. A fractus cloud sped overhead, its tenuous limbs shaped into a nearly legible white glyph for a moment before it fell apart. The puddles weren't frozen, but the pain in the cheeks and the ears didn't care. If it hadn't hurt to be out in it, the loveliness might have been unbearable.
EASY LISTENING DEP’T.
The Indignity Morning Podcast is also available via the Apple and Spotify platforms.
VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP’T.
More consciousness at Instagram
WAR BREAD DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from Conservation Recipes, compiled by the Mobilized Women’s Organizations of Berkeley, Berkeley Unit, Council of Defense Woman’s Committee, Berkeley, CA, published in 1918, found in the public domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Mrs. R. H. Wetmore, Editor.
THE FOLLOWING RECIPES have been somewhat changed from their original form, to comply with the latest rulings of the Food Administration. During the wheat shortage it is not desirable to encourage the making of sandwiches at all. To meet certain imperative needs such as school lunches, use the fillings suggested below on non-wheat breads, crackers, wafers, muffins, and biscuits.
When the restriction on wheat is lifted it will be a simple matter to reinstate bread in all the lists of ingredients.
CHIVE BUTTER FILLING
1/4 cup butter.
2 tblsp. chives.
Cream butter, add finely chopped chives and season with salt and cayenne.
—Mrs. R. H. Wetmore.
SHRIMP AND CUCUMBER FILLING
Spread thin slices of war bread with mixture made of one part anchovy paste and one part butter. Chop finely 1 cup picked shrimps, add 1 tablespoonful finely chopped sliced cucumbers and 1 tablespoonful mayonnaise. Spread thickly.
—Mrs. M. Dolan.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by these offerings, kindly send a picture to us at email@example.com.
Thanks for reading INDIGNITY, a general-interest publication for a discerning and self-selected audience. We depend on your support!
I note that Mr. Wrong sounds like he has just eaten a large quantity of the contents of the boxes pictured in today's "Visual consciousness" department. Coincidence? Hmm ...
Granted, it could be argued that consuming the news tends to be more or less equivalent to that, minus the weight gain and tooth decay.