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Hmm Weekly for July 6, 2021
Four Tuesdays until INDIGNITY!
Another Week, Another HMM WEEKLY
GOOD MORNING! This is the latest HMM WEEKLY, successor publication to HMM DAILY, distributed via SUBSTACK, a newsletter delivery and reading platform.
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IN RESPONSE TO WHAT THE HECK IS THIS DEP’T. (Hmm Weekly for June 29, 2021), Terry Harris writes
What the heck is it? Looks like a woolly bear -> moth cocoon. Tiger moth? Giant Leopard Moth? Burn the house down? Depends on how you feel about moths. You're welcome.
Thanks, Terry Harris!
Ways to Win a Seven-Game Series in Five Games, Ranked
W W L W W (Never in Doubt)
L W W W W (Stubbed a Toe Sleepwalking)
W L W W W (Had to Dig In and Focus)
W W W L W (The Time-Waster)
Ways to Lose a Seven-Game Series in Five Games, Ranked
L W L L L (Look, They Were Just the Better Team)
L L W L L (Wouldn't Go Out Without a Fight)
W L L L L (Meaningless Illusion of a Chance)
L L L W L (The Time-Waster).
VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP’T.
Round Things and Circles
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MR. WRONG: LATE ADAPTER DEP’T.
HOW MANY iPHONES are we up to now, 10? Or is it X? OK, it’s 12, right? Anyway, up until a coupla weeks ago, I haz iPhone 6. Then, some shit that I need for work was all like, “You need the Apple Oh-Ess for our stuff, the new Apple Operating System,” and Apple is like “LOL your phone is not good enough for the new Apple OS, so now it’s time to CONSUME NEW PRODUCT.”
What? New iPhones cost Hundreds, sometimes bordering beyond One Thousand of dollars! I’m like “OK, fuckers, I will buy the next iteration of iPhone, up from my 6, used! Fuck you to your rotten Apple-core!
I dropped two hundred bucks on an iPhone 7 from stupid-ass Verizon, who offered me Zero Dollars and No Cents for my iPhone 6 as trade-in. Meanwhile, ha! I beat you, Apple! I think!
Then I realized the “new” Apple 7 iPhone doesn’t have a hole to plug in a cable for AUDIO. They (and you know who They are) decided to combinate the Power hole and the Sound hole into one hole, and that means I can’t plug the audio cassette adapter thing that I used in my car to hear sound from my iPhone 6 into my “new” iPhone. SO BORING!
So I hadda buy an Adapter to my Adapter so I can listen to Satellite Radio in my old-ass car with the cassette deck in it. Urf!
Anyway, I spent Two hundred and Some-Odd Dollars and I Dunno How Many Cents and I now can do Business on my phone and also listen to the SatRad, until They decide my iPhone 7 can’t run the next Operating System, but for now, I win! I think!
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT instructions for the assembly of sandwiches from Salads, Sandwiches and Chafing Dish Recipes, Copyright 1916, now in the public domain for the delectation of all, written by Marion Harris Neil, M.C.A., former Cookery Editor, The Ladies’ Home Journal, author of How to Cook in Casserole Dishes, Candies and Bonbons and How to Make Them, Canning, Preserving and Pickling, and The Something-Different Dish.
1 pint (2 cups) oysters
1 gill (1/2 cup) cream
2 tablespoonfuls cracker crumbs
2 ozs. (4 tablespoonfuls) butter
1/2 tablespoonful salt
1/4 teaspoonful pepper
Drain the oysters and chop them, put them into a saucepan, cover, and let steam for five minutes; then add butter, seasonings, beaten yolks of eggs, cracker-crumbs, and cream. Cook for two minutes, set aside to cool slightly, then spread between slices of white buttered bread, and serve at once.
Another Method.—Chop one pint of raw oysters very fine, season to taste with salt, pepper, and Tabasco, then lay on thinly buttered white bread with crisp lettuce leaves between.
PALO ALTO SANDWICHES
1 1/2 ozs. (3 tablespoonfuls) butter
2 tablespoonfuls French mustard
1 tablespoonful grated cheese
3/4 teaspoonful sugar
1 chopped medium-sized onion
1 teaspoonful chopped capers
6 chopped sweet pickles
12 chopped stuffed olives
Cream the butter, add the mustard, cheese, sugar, onion, capers, pickles, and olives. Spread between very thin slices of buttered bread and cut in squares.
6 hard-cooked eggs
1/2 pint (1 cup) stuffed olives
1/2 pint (1 cup) English walnut meats
Mayonnaise or boiled dressing
Chop the eggs, nuts, and olives separately, then mix them together and moisten with the dressing. Spread between thin slices of buttered bread and cut into fancy shapes.
If you decide to prepare and enjoy any of these sandwiches, kindly send a picture to us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
HMM WEEKLY IS written by Tom Scocca, editor, and Joe MacLeod, creative director. If you enjoy Hmm Weekly, please let a friend know about it! If you're reading this because someone forwarded it to you, we invite you to sign up for a copy of your own right now. Thanks for reading, and any time you want, email us at email@example.com.